GIGI GOES GAGA

Dear Bootcamp Instructor

In Fitness on August 17, 2010 at 11:07 PM

If you yell at me one more time to “push harder,” I may just have to kill you.

Don’t get me wrong: I appreciate the fact that you’ve helped me find muscles I never thought existed before. I mean, I’ve seen them on anatomy drawings so I know they exist — I just thought God forgot to put them inside my body, the same way you have people who are born without certain organs or appendages. You can’t blame me for thinking this way: I’ve survived pretty damn well all these years without using them, after all.

But the last time I jumped rope I wore pigtails, and the last time I ran it was because I nearly missed my train. I needed my inhaler afterward both times, and it took me longer to catch my breath than I spent doing the activity that made me lose it in the first place. So when you say dismissively, “Oh it’s only a quarter-mile” after I look at you in abject terror and whisper “So you want us to run???” — then I want to ask you why I need to if I don’t need to get anywhere except back to where I started from. Why go through all that bother after all?

I’ve decided that I don’t like any form of group exercise. You always have a couple of show-offs who want to impress you with their strength and stamina, and think they’re better than the rest of us (because — well — they are). You know who I’m talking about: those two girls in front who always shout “YES!” with glee whenever you ask us if we want to intensify the exercise we’re doing or, worse, do even more reps. You got it: I want to kill them, too.

It’s nothing personal, really. It’s just that when I can’t feel my knees anymore and my lungs are about to explode inside my chest I’ll do anything to make the pain stop. And when I see you all perky in pink I think of pain — and it only makes me see red.

See you on Thursday.

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In Shopping on August 10, 2010 at 1:03 AM

My day wasn’t going too well, until you came along. Despite my Vitamin B pill, two large cups of English Breakfast tea, and a shot of sugar (courtesy of a handful of M&Ms), I couldn’t keep my eyes open. I was tired, unfocused, and frankly, a tad bit grumpy.

And then you decided to hand out coupons for $50 off any purchase this afternoon to five lucky (and fast) recipients — I saw the announcement right as it appeared on my Facebook Newsfeed and I jumped on it. I remembered the ring I’d been eyeing for weeks; though I really liked it I simply couldn’t justify buying it. But with the discount code and the free shipping, it suddenly could be mine for $10, if I got lucky. So click, click, click I went, entered the discount code and crossed my fingers it would be accepted (it was!), a couple more clicks — and my purchase was confirmed. I’ve already received your message that it’s on its way to me.

I’m still sleepy, unfocused, and a tad bit grumpy — but I’m now feeling awfully lucky, too. You guys are awesome.

In Her Eyes

In Love & Relationships on July 26, 2010 at 3:18 PM

Here you go again, I see your patterns. You’ve fallen into the same trap of thinking you’re lost in love, when in reality you’ve lost yourself completely again. You say that you do all these things for her because no one else will. I don’t know what that means, really — do you?  But what I do know for certain is that she’s not fighting for you — and I don’t know if she ever will. Her family thinks you’re not good enough for her because you don’t have a fancy job and a fancy title, with a fancy house and a fancy car. I suspect that deep inside, she agrees with them. But you’re so good to her; you help her out and do things for her that she ought to be doing for herself, so she can’t lose you just yet. Part of her doesn’t want to hurt you; part of her can’t afford to lose you. Not right now.

You say you’re content with your life. You say you don’t need much more than what you have: your family, friends, and her love. But have you asked her what she wants? I suspect she wants more — much more than what she has, and definitely more than what you have. I’m afraid that you’re afraid to ask the question because you don’t really want to know. Because if she tells you the truth, then you’ll know there’s no future with her unless you change completely.

So here you are again: in love with a woman who can’t — won’t — tell those closest to her about you. As far as her family is concerned, both of you just work together. Even her best friends think you’re merely a persistent suitor. She’s a grown woman with two children, for heaven’s sake! Can’t she just live her own life now? I know I sound judgmental but the truth is that if I found the man I wanted to live the rest of my life with, and he was a good man, I’d make everyone see what I see instead of asking you to disappear when they’re looking.

I don’t want you to get hurt again, but this is your life so I won’t interfere. You’ll never even see this letter. I just hope that one day you’ll see the light.

In her eyes, right now, you’re just not worth the fight. But I know better.